America…we really need to talk about our marriage.
I remember reading years ago about the strongest predictor of divorce.
It isn’t arguing.
It isn’t abuse.
Surprisingly...it’s contempt.
The union of US has always been an imperfect marriage. Forged on soaring principles that it has struggled to live up to. Built on the hard work of many, but the slavery, genocide, and exploitation of many others.
And yet, it has still been a symbol for democracy and the principles of freedom and choice around the world.
To be American is to live with this dialectic everyday - and to seek to form a better and more just society through our actions and choices.
The process of creating a more perfect union isn’t going to be pretty all the time. It needs to involve arguing, expressing righteous anger, identifying problems and injustices, and seeking to solve them.
Working through the issues in any marriage is going to be uncomfortable and to say that the unlikely marriage of the US has A LOT of issues to work through is an understatement.
But facing hard truths head on, even if it involves arguments, is a sign of a healthy marriage.
I’m getting concerned about our union because I’m seeing contempt coming in and replacing disagreement, debates, and arguments.
The New Oxford Dictionary defines contempt as, “The feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.”
Contempt, including being “done” is convenient, because it doesn’t require you to do anything or to look at yourself in relation to an issue and is so tempting when you feel burnt out - yet, it is highly destructive for everyone involved.
When someone is expressing contempt towards you, it elicits a stress response in you - and puts you in a state where it’s really hard to take in new information, learn, or make good long term choices. It’s stressful because the contempt tells you that you aren’t safe or worthy of consideration.
At a small scale, contempt is painful and ends marriages. At a large scale, considering others beneath consideration and worthless is how society moves towards justifying violence, wars, and genocides aimed at specific groups.
The more we retreat to the convenience of our social media echo chambers and contempt, the more we make unity impossible - and the more the cycles of division, separation, and fear accelerate until we begin to see each other as enemies.
Contempt is part of how we, as a country, are courting divorce.
Only, the US is a massively polyamorous relationship where there are too many kids, shared dreams, complex assets, and bank accounts to ever figure out a way to split things up without ruining EVERYONE's lives in the process.
There is a long road ahead to deal with structural racism, the pandemic, poverty, corruption, modern day wage slavery, and the catastrophic exploitation of the planet that sits alongside all of them - and we need to face this road together.
How do we transform contempt into the empathy that is needed to actually transform our country?
You are the most powerful leverage point to change systems - not only through your actions, but also through how you bring your spirit and your soul to finding unity within yourself despite pain.
Somewhere inside your being you already know your unique role in repairing the shattering in the world.
When you start to heal from your trauma and anxiety, you shine the way for others to heal.
When you show up as a whole person, you inspire others to show up as whole people and have the patience to find common ground.
When you learn to rebuild the foundations and paradigm of your own inner world from goodness and beauty, the foundations of all systems can be rebuilt.
And when you remember your purpose and invite others along for the ride, everything is possible.
